Nonstop Ponders

Hey this is actually Masie, Ilaria’s most awesomeroommate in the world, doing a quick tantrum about how clean our “neatfreak” of a roommate we have. So yeah story went like this, she ripped the bag and the stuff fell all over the floor. She says loudly, I’m not cleaning this so calls Ilaria to clean her mess. It’s still there since no one will clean the mess, been over an hour now.. Good news though, she finally admits she’s a child! 

I know this is my battle with myself. And to get through this I am the only one who can do it. I’m just hoping I have the strength to. 

(via magicandmortals)

I know I told myself I wouldn’t have another role model but I can’t help but want to set her as mine. Her and the character Katniss. But this I’ll try to be realistic 

(via notafraidtobemyself)

How strong she is and everything is just admirable.

(via notafraidtobemyself)

Before I never saw the value of “me” time. It normally was a bad idea of leaving me alone to myself before college. Only a very few people know my insecure side or I have exposed it. But in high school, I had fears of losing or growing apart from the people I was closed with. And had those random days where I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t explain why I suddenly feel this urge to cry and felt a build up of sadness. The reason I think was I tend to over think and worry about things that may not even be true. And possibly I felt a strange sense of insecurity of how close my friends and I were. 

However, oddly enough as I started college I found myself to be more secure, confident and happy. I was hunger to climb up the ladder of my career and ready to jump over anything that tries to stop me. Two years have passed, I see the progress I made but I also see things slowly slipping from me. I hate to admit, that passion and motivation I had is dimming as I get worn out. Maybe I did try to do too much that my body can’t keep up. And at some point emotionally it became hard to convince myself to do those things I used to love. I missed that energy I used to have. It didn’t hit me till now, I stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy when I had more time. I worked hard before but I had a healthy dose of play too. Now I am balancing my obligations between either work or people I have already made plans with. I wonder when is the last time I took time to enjoy myself? Be in my head, escape and just let my mind wonder. I don’t mind it in a negative way. Just time to unwind and well take a break without worrying about anything or anyone. 

I need to get my head straight again and find myself again. I miss the person that I was that was driven, passionate and motivated. I dislike the person I am now, constantly feeling drained, easily irritated, and mostly the one who see all the hard work slipping.  My artist block has started to clear up but I need to set things right with myself. I wonder when I lost myself in this. After high school I knew what I wanted to be and changed parts of me I knew is for the better. I had enough of the back stepping, hoping I could recover before this gets any worse. 

I saw SJSU graduating earlier this month and thought you myself I don’t want to be another face there that is graduating this time. I want to graduate being proud of how much I have done and I worked hard. This graduation I refuse just to be another face in the crowd unlike high school. I guess in a way this was part of my wake up call. Seeing myself letting those hours I put in slip by. Never have I known how painful it could be. It is even worse when you see yourself going back to old habits you know are bad. I am starting to think about hiding from issues than tackling it, I need to keep myself away from that. 

Thats the end of my long rant/pondering. Sorry about the length and just need to let it out somewhere. Funny how I decided to let it out here? So much of public thoughts huh? I guess I could just let it follow out.  

Taken with instagram

@honestbeverages #baytobreakers (Taken with instagram)

Start of hayes hill…why didn’t I train this year?! (Taken with instagram)

What nikki decides to do when I mention concepting… (Taken with instagram)

thensuitup:

nightlock-kedavra:

Normal :

Talking to you :

Seeing you with someone else:

I think you mean:

Normal:

March 22nd:

Post-Hunger Games:

REMEMBER WHEN

xDD 

(Source: , via notafraidtobemyself)